I just decorated my Christmas Tree…11:59PM on Christmas Eve.

I have a little silver Christmas tree.

I finished Christmas preparations today, December 24, at 3:10 pm. I started them November 1.2010. I feel like I have not slept for about six weeks. I am physically very slow these days; it takes me a long time to do what is very little to most people. When I had done the last thing, wrapped a gift for my niece Rose, I showered and my sister picked me up at 4:15pm.

I spent Christmas Eve with my sister’s family. We ate a fish dinner and then went to church.

When I got back I decided at first that it was too late to decorate a Christmas Tree. I would normally have done so at the beginning of Advent…weeks ago.

After an hour of no, I changed my mind. Even though I did not want to move the boxes I would have to to dig out the Christmas stuff, it just did not feel Christmasy in here. It is technically already Christmas now that my tree is finally up but I am still glad I did it.

Who knows? Maybe that will become a tradition, decorating my tree on Christmas Eve???

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Elina Grace Edwin

I feel guilty for not voting!

I did not vote in the Toronto municipal election last month.

     

I felt really uncomfortable that evening shortly before the polls closed not having voted.  It was an icky feeling.  I did not like it. 

Until that night I thought that I voted out of patriotic duty and gratitude for the privilege but when I hadn’t voted I felt a little invisible.  Have I been voting for other reasons that I was not conscious of?

I did receive my municipal elections voting card; it lists my former address, ward and subdivision for voting.

I assumed that I had to vote in my former neighbourhood.  I planned to vote and make a trip to the old neighbourhood.  Then I changed my mind, a few times.  A trip and back to the old neighbourhood is not something I do without contemplation.  Given my disabilities, all my muscle energy is planned and I cannot just do what I want to do.  I have to choose every day.  Will I wash my hair?  Will I do the dishes today?  Will I make a trip to the old neighbourhood to vote?  When the day came, I did not feel I could physically manage it so I consciously uncomfortably chose not to vote.

After the fact I have discovered that I did NOT have to travel back to the old neighbourhood in order to vote. 

At: http://www.toronto.ca/elections/voters/faq.htm

I found the following:

When can I vote?

Weekday Advance Voting

Tuesday, October 5 to Friday, October 8, 2010
10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
and
Tuesday, October 12 to Wednesday, October 13, 2010
10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

On the six advance vote days, you may vote at any of the following locations no matter where you live in the City:

East York Civic Centre
Council Chamber
850 Coxwell Avenue

Etobicoke Civic Centre
Council Chamber
399 The West Mall

North York Civic Centre
Member's Lounge
5100 Yonge Street

Scarborough Civic Centre
Committee Room 1
150 Borough Drive

Toronto City Hall
Rotunda
100 Queen Street West

York Civic Centre
Council Chamber
2700 Eglinton Avenue West

 

 

 

So I could have voted in advance at any of those addresses above and did not have to travel to my old neighbourhood.

Maybe this information will help you one day, as it would have helped me.

Peace!

Elina Grace Edwin

Bad Dreams…Part Two

Once again, I was shot awake after yet another nightmare, this time shaking with terror and grief. 

As I mentioned in Bad Dreams, June 2010, I have had chronic nightmares for as long as I can remember.  I wonder how many nightmares I have had in my life to date???

This one was bad..not in the sense of graphic horror but instead emotional horror.

In my dream, I was again living with my abusers, no longer safe here in my apartment.  I felt helpless, terrified and trapped.

That was the second worst dream I have ever woke up to.  The first was the day after the love of my life died.  I had dreamt about him overnight and when I awoke, I then remembered that he was dead.

The only thing odd about my nightmare was that I was not back in the house I left last year but in the one we lived in before that one.

In my nightmare, I was in my former bedroom, a small room that was big enough for a single bed, narrow desk (challenging to work on) and a chest of drawers.   The wall in that room had yellow floral wallpaper.  My dad threw me against those pretty yellow flowered walls, as a warm-up to hitting me, after dragging me upstairs by my ear and my hair.

In the dream, I was terrified and felt completely trapped, like a caged animal.  My mother was in the dream, in my room and letting me know she was in charge of my fate and that I had no hope.

As I was waking up, I felt and KNEW that I would rather be dead than go back and live there.  Other than my feelings for the love of my life, I have never felt more clear and sure about anything in my entire life.  If my only option was to go back and live there, I would end my life.

Elina Grace Edwin

The first time I was not happy to see you… love of my life.

Love of my life?  As of today, he still is.  How do you know someone is the love of your life until you die? 

I have loved 3-4 men.  I have been in love with 2-3 men.  But my soul has only loved one man. 

What’s this 3-4, 2-3 stuff Elina?  How do you love 3-4 men?

There are three men that I know I have loved and two of them I fell in love with.  There is a fourth man who for a time I thought I loved and was in love with and then I wasn’t so sure that it was love and later questioned whether I had been in love.  To this day, I am still not sure, hence the 2-3 and 3-4 numbers.

My life has been quite precarious for a while now.  I do not know where my health will be a month from now or anywhere longer into the future, so there are no thoughts of any future relationships of any kind, let alone a relationship with a guy.

I don’t have any expectation right now that I will one day be well and could possibly love another man but if such a thing was possible, could he be the love of my life?  Can you have more than one?

The love of my life died many years ago now, very young, too young.  Since his death, he has appeared in my dreams a number of times.  I have always been grateful and happy to see him in my dreams.  I awake afterward with an amazingly peaceful feeling.  Dreams of him have never felt like dreams.  I do not know how to describe how they are different; they just are.

I have always been so grateful for the times he has appeared in my dreams.  I cannot describe the peace I feel after waking from one of them.  I wish I could feel that feeling all day every day.

That is…until today.

Today I had a dream that felt like the Owl calling my name.  Did you ever see that movie in school?

Well, in my dream I was lying down, not sure now whether on a table or a bed but I think a table not unautopsy or hospital bed-like.

My love of my life was telling me:

“You will be alone (?for a while/for a short time) and then the team will come.”

Then he pulled a sheet/blanket over my head like is done after someone dies.

Yikes, love of my life!  Do you not know how long I have fought illness and fought to stay alive?  If there is a you beyond this life then I am guessing you do.

Am I supposed to be comforted that you my love told me this or freaked out that you are coming to my dreams telling me I am going to die?!?

I did not get that amazing peaceful feeling this time Curly-Top!

Elina Grace Edwin

Would I let my figurative child spend time with his/her grandparents?

I learned from my sister yesterday, as she was driving me home, that my mother will be looking after my 2 1/2 month old nephew soon, when my sister-in-law goes back to work one day a week.  She will do this for the next three months.   After that time, I believe that my brother’s son, who will then be six months, will go to daycare Monday to Friday when his mother goes back to work full-time.  Actually, my sister-in-law will not physically GO back to work as works from a home office but still you cannot work full time and take care of an infant at the same time.

When my sister told me this, it had a profoundly negative affect immediately on my mood.  I felt sick and profoundly sad.

I have been thinking about it since last night so this is my attempt to sort out my feelings.

Immediately, upon hearing the news, I felt physically sick at the thought that a woman who almost burned me with a kettle and who was so abusive to me for a lifetime could be left alone with a fragile 2 1/2 month old baby.  It was a profoundly scary thought to me.

Today, I have realized that it is only scary to me.  Here is why.

For whatever reason my mother chose me as the target of her rage when I was a very young girl; my earliest memory occurred at age nine.  My brothers and sister were the good children and I was the useless, worthless, stupid, defective, disgusting, irrational…animal or monster.

How my siblings feel about my mother is based on how they have been treated by her.  My siblings were not abused, so logically, understandably, they feel differently about my parents.

I have at times wondered about whether I could leave a would be child of mine in the care of my parents.  My first instinct years ago was never!  Then at  some point, I considered whether it was unfair of me to consider denying a child a relationship with his/her grandparents?   I decided that in theory it was unfair. 

But now that I am no longer living with the abuse and am slowly getting some distance from it, I now realize the following:

• That I believe that my mother would engage it the same psychological process that allowed her to chose from among her children and to abuse me, with any my child of mine as well.  I believe she would see him/her as an extension of me and find a way to justify it in that instance as well.  Why couldn’t she justify it twice?
• That my father, if my mother was present, would fail to protect my child, if my mother deemed him/her unworthy just as he failed to protect me.  My greatest fear in that situation is that he would repeat the sick dance (that is what I call him physically abusing me in response to my mother’s demonizing of me) and reinforce my mother’s pathology with my child as he reinforced her pathology with me.
• That if my mother was 100% GUARANTEED to NOT be there, that my father could likely be trusted not to physically abuse my child.

I do not know my baby brother’s mother.  I have never met her.  Given that she dotes on my baby brother, I assume that she will dote on his son.  I do not have to worry about my precious nephew as my mother did not abuse his father so why would she abuse his son? 

I am free of them enough now to know unequivocally that I would NEVER leave my mother alone with a child of mine.   That would be endangering my child to a high probability of abuse.  I would be failing my child….consciously. 

Elina Grace Edwin

I am trying to meditate…the first 30 days.

I meditated years ago.  I am not sure for how long (not too long) or even why I gave up.  I have decided to try again.   Intuitively, I think it will help me; mostly, I am hoping that it will.  I am going to blog the first 30 days by updating this page each day...even if it means I give up on Day Ten.

Day One: 5:23 PM

Just finished my first 15 minute attempt at meditating…again.

  I feel calmer than 15 minutes ago, more focused I think, though you would not have predicted that during the 15 minutes.  I seemed to not be able to go more than a breath without a thought appearing in my head.  What were these thoughts of:  a wide variety of things.  When a thought came into my mind, I did what I formerly did (when a meditated for a short time many years ago)…I turned my head slightly to the right and visualized the thought dropping off to my right side. 

Day Two 3:11 PM

Took “How To Meditate”, by Lawrence LeShan out of the library.  Starting to read it now. 

Day Three: 4:20 PM

Have to move positions at least three times as my muscles cannot sit in same position for 15 minutes.  I hope to be able to sit unmoving at some point.

Day Four: 5:43 PM

Started later than the plan today… as was trying to get a, made out of the AC box it came in, screen back into the window above my newly installed bedroom AC, after I duct taped the outside.  In the minutes  leading up to today’s meditation, I felt that I was ‘looking forward to it’ for the first time.  That was a pleasing feeling.

Practice:

Too many thoughts.  15 mins was too short so I extended it to 20 minutes.  Will I do 20 minutes starting tomorrow?

Day Five: 2:17 PM

My muscles are so clumsy today.  Earlier, I badly banged two toes, the same two toes I dropped a DVD player on a couple of months and ended up loosing a nail from, post an ugly hematoma.  Now I have dropped a jug of Brita water everywhere, slipped right out of my hands spilling everywhere.  I hope my meditation today calms my seemingly drunk muscles! Going to shower quickly, meditate and then my brother-in-law will arrive to pick me up. 

Day Six: 5:46 PM

Yesterday’s meditation was very distracted.  I kept waiting for the apartment buzzer to go off and therefore could not relax.  It went off with seconds left in a fifteen minute meditation.

I went for a walk today in the heat before meditating.  Today’s practice was better, though I cannot quite believe how many thoughts come into my head.  I did have quieter moments in today’s 20 minute mediation.  I am grateful for them.  I hope they will increase in length and number. I will definitely NOT be going back to 15 minutes.  I am already appreciating 20 minutes and can see increasing that easily at some point.  Now if I could just get my feet to stop going to sleep with pins and needles.  :)

Day Seven: 6:54 PM

  Got distracted by the World Cup and then missed the only goal anyway while I was doing the very large pile of dishes, so meditating LATE.  The landlord also came by and gave me some unwelcome news.  I imagine it will be included in my many thoughts.

Practice: Either my ability to sit in the position has improved by today, Day Seven, or else it may just be the fact that I showered right beforehand and it helped my muscles.  I made it 16 minutes without adjusting!!!!!  I hope it continues tomorrow and it not just the shower.  I heard a noise ?from my computer with less than 4 minutes remaining in my 20 minute practice with made me open my eyes.

After completing Day Seven,  I can say that this has been a positive decision in my life.  Even 20 minutes can do the mind good.

Day Eight: 6:10 PM

Is my meditation practice getting later and later? 

I walked far today in order to do something good that will hopefully help a group of people; time will tell.  I am tired and I don’t feel like meditating.  There is something wrong with my DVD drive I think, so I want to fix it now, though I have no idea how at this moment.

I have fixed it.  I have stalled by doing other things and it is now 7:43pm.  Meditation is stimulating I believe so I really shouldn’t be doing it this late, right?  Going to do 15 minutes.

Practice:

Could stay in position for 10 1/2 minutes, so maybe the shower beforehand yesterday’s practice did help me.  Today is still longer than the first couple of days where I moved constantly…so progress.  Even though I didn’t want to do it today, I am glad I did.

Earlier though tomorrow!!!

Day Nine: 11:45 PM

I am having a stress reaction and have been for an hour maybe.  Yesterday I was really proud of that thing I did to help some people...particularly that I ACTED instead of being afraid.  Today I am scared someone will pound on my door like my abusers use to and then I will be hit.  Let me try to explain.  What I did yesterday was a good thing and unquestionably the right thing, but it was not anonymous and there are one or two people who might be upset that I did it.  I am use to people reacting abusively to things they do not like and not rationally so I am trying to tell myself that  no one is going to hit me…but tell that to my heart and brain because they are not believing it right now.  I think today will be a lesson of some sort; I hope it is a new kind of lesson.

Should I try to meditate in this state or do it later in the day as I prefer?  I don’t know.

Practice:

  Stress reaction lasted two hours.  That was many hours ago.  Now is 6:35pm.  Just finished a 20 minute session.  Made it 19 minutes and 40 seconds seated in the position without adjusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After completing Day Nine, I have realized how people could choose to meditate for much longer than 20 minute periods.  Will I do so one day?

Meditating is a good thing; try it!

Peace,

Elina

Day Ten: 8:17 PM

Yep…getting later and later.  Not good I think. 

By the afternoon yesterday, I was really SHOCKED by my stress reaction that had me genuinely fearing that someone other than my abusers might hit me.  I do not know what that is but I hope it never happens again.

Good News: I found out last evening that the people I tried to help were helped and so far the one or two people who may be angry that I helped them have not come to find me. :)

Practice:

20 minutes long.  Was able to hold the position for 17:01 minutes. 

I think meditation MAY be changing the way I think?  It is hard to believe that that could be happening in ten days!?! That said, I think it may be making me more conscious of thought.

I have always believed …engage your brain before you open you mouth, as words have power, the power to harm and the power to heal so I am a conscious speaker but something in the last few days has been going on with my thoughts.  I cannot quite explain it yet but could it be the meditation practice?

Day Eleven:

Didn’t meditate…bad girl!

Day Twelve:

Didn’t meditate…really bad girl!

Day Thirteen: 9:44 PM (yes even later)

So, even though I did not meditate for the last two days which just flew by, there was still something new happening with my mind I think.  I really think that meditating is making me more conscious of thought somehow.  It is now extending to how I eat…at least I think that is what is happening.  Something is certainly happening.  I cannot prove meditation is responsible but I am sure it it at least partly so. 

Sometime ago I read a paragraph that explained really well how people with one of my health conditions can gain a great deal of weight easily.  I knew I had gained weight because I had to buy bigger sizes but I did not know the number.  I was shocked when I found out how much.  However for the same medical reasons, I did not see that changing much.  Before I developed health problems I never had any weight issues in my life.  I was always fit.  In the last two days I have become quite conscious about eating and have accepted that I am going to have to eat less given my medical conditions if I want to lose weight.  I think it would be better if I weighed less so I am now officially trying for the fist time in my life.

Practice:  9:44PM

 So once again I struggled to meditate today.  I just did ten minutes in the middle of cooking dinner just now.  It is worth saying that those ten minutes were WELL worth it.  I am surprised by that.  I am about to eat dinner, Vegetable & Tofu Thai Red Curry (minus the bamboo shoots which I cannot find at my grocers but love)…consciously.  I plan to taste every bite.

Day Fourteen: 7 PM

I meditated outside today for 20 minutes in my concrete garden as I am now calling it.  Behind my building there is a concrete area big enough to hold maybe two cars.  I found a hardwood fold-up chair in the neighbouring building's garage some weeks ago and about a week ago, my brother-in-law fixed it.  I could not cross my legs in the chair so I just sat and closed my eyes.

Afterward I read a little bit of  How to Mediate (mentioned in Day Two, above).  I have difficulty reading these days, so I am grateful for any amount that I manage to read.

From Lawrence LeShan’s book, I learned my first example of a basic meditation exercise.  It is different from what I have been doing.  I plan to try it tomorrow (for 20 minutes):

Set a timer for 15 minutes

Now simply count silently each time you breathe OUT.  Count “one” for the first breath, “two” for the second, “three” for the third, “four” for the fourth and then start with “one” again.  Keep repeating this procedure until the 15 minutes are up.

Also, day two of consciously eating.  Interestingly, I have become aware of a certain physical sensation that I have responded to until now by eating.  Strangely, I am now not sure if it is even a sign of hunger and instead not a digestive symptom?  When I feel it, I am waiting an hour to see if it means I am still hungry.  I was also conscious to eat every 3-4 hours today, which will be very important for me, as I normally only eat twice and by the time I eat the second meal am over-hungry and then likely over-eat.  I think my pattern of eating today was very good for me.  I can feel it.  Now I have to keep doing it.

Day Fifteen: 11:20 PM

Yep..almost the next day.

Just did 20 minutes of the practice mentioned in Day Fourteen above.  It was NOTICEABLY quieter in my mind during this practice, so, I have officially learned my first thing from Lawrence LeShan’s book and I will continue meditating this way tomorrow.

I am feeling very proud of my conscious eating.  It is possible that I may have tasted the flavour of food more today?

Day Sixteen: (too embarrassed to tell you the time)

I got nothing fruitful done today.  You know those kind of days?

Practice:

Very late.  Don’t remember if I noticed it affecting my sleep last night after meditating late then as well?

20 Minutes.  Not nearly as quiet in my head as yesterday doing the 1,2,3,4 breathing exercise of Day Fourteen

From How To Meditate, p. 25

“One can see from this definition the reason for the remarkable freshness and clarity of perception that often arises after serious meditational work.  Things seem to have a more “suchness.”  Red is redder, water is wetter, and mud is muddier.  We see again with fresh eyes from which the scales of inattention have dropped.  Again and again my students have described seeing the commonplace in a new and alive manner in which everything had a vital and brilliant identity…”

Is this what I have been experiencing?

Day Seventeen: 6:02 PM YEAH!!!!

I think for week four I will try to do 25 minutes.  Today’s practice was quieter in my head and my body was also more comfortable.  In fact as I write this, I realize that I did not adjust my body after getting into position, once in the 20 minutes!!

I listen to Monks chanting while I meditate.  Are you supposed to listen to music when you meditate or sit in quiet?  Maybe I will find out from Lawrence LeShan’s book?

I do not have an MP3 player and I am assuming that I cannot afford one? However, I have seen my niece with one that I a guessing it not as expensive as things like iPods?  I would like to get one that would allow me to transfer my Canto Gregoriano CD to it so I can try to meditate outdoors in different places.  I think I would like to try that.

Day Eighteen: (didn’t meditate today)

You can learn many things on YouTube.  I Googled for ideas of meditation music and came across this video:

From the video:

“Do not inhale or exhale consciously”. 

I have been doing so consciously and deeply.  Will try this new information in tomorrow’s practice.

Day Nineteen: (didn’t meditate today)

From How To Meditate, p. 40

In any serious meditation program there will be dry, dull periods when you feel bored with the work.  These feelings are part of your resistance.  Stay with it, if you can, during these periods.  Work harder at it.  Presently it will pass…and you will find the meditation a deeper, richer experience at the end of the dry period than it was before.

Day Twenty: 12:15 AM Day Twenty-One

So…technically I started the meditation on Day Twenty and finished it on Day Twenty-One.

Today’s practice was different in three ways than Days One to Nineteen.

1. I meditated for 25 Minutes for the first time today!!  I had to physically adjust at 24:30 and when I opened my eyes at 25 minutes, I realized that my left foot was asleep…completely…could not feel it at all.
2. I also used the inhalation and exhalation advice from the video in Day Eighteen.  That made it a very different experience than the deep long slow conscious breaths I was doing before.  I think this combined with counting on exhalation MAY have helped create less thoughts and a quieter practice?
3. I also meditated to new music today.  Amazon Rainforest sounds.  It definitely feels different than the Monks Chanting.  I think it may be a good idea to try different kinds of music.  Here is one similar to the one I meditated to today.  You can play it and mediate for 25 minutes, like I did today.  When it finishes your 25 minutes is up.  (I had trouble embedding just the music, so this is the YT version.  You will have your eyes closed and not see the video anyway.  If I figure out the playlist mistake I am making I will embed just the music):

Day Twenty-One: (didn’t mediate today)

I had maybe 2 hours sleep last night.  I could barely keep my eyes open all day.  I didn’t see any point in meditating.  There would be nothing active about it.   I would have just fallen asleep.

Day Twenty-Two: 4:30 PM

How to Mediate, Lawrence LeShan, p.39

“…stay with each meditation you try for the several weeks necessary to learn how to use it.  At the end of that time, if you feel better after you do it than you did before, continue.  Otherwise, experiment further.”

Practice:

25 mins of Not Good :(.  Felt very sad very soon into it and throughout.  Mood changed from the moments before I started soon into the practice.  Thoughts affect your feelings right? 

First thought that started it off was I had a dad who was okay with the fact that he had not said a word to his daughter in over a year.  I realize that I have not wanted to talk to the man I thought was going to kill me, so I have likewise not spoken to him but I was the one who had to barricade myself behind  a door to keep from being physically abused.  I would have liked to have had a Dad who did not physically assault me for decades.

I would also have liked to have had a dad who was proud of me:

My brother-in-law asked my dad what his ‘favourite memory was of me’?  He could not answer one.  I was the valedictorian in my elementary grade school.  I also made the speech at my high school graduation ceremony.  I was chosen to do that by both the teachers and the students.  Were neither of these good enough for consideration? 

I do not think I ever felt hat he was proud of me.  When I did accomplish things or when I had developed skill sets he did not seem to respect them. 

As an example, when I would have letters to the editor published in newspapers, his response was to enquire how many letters they receive on a given day (he wanted to figure out if it was actually and accomplishment).  No congratulations.  Nothing. 

I worked in a area where I developed a certain level of computer knowledge.  At one time I would have described my knowledge as ‘more than any layperson out there but less than any formal computer techie'.  As tech changes very quickly, I would not describe myself that way now but if I had to I could didactically learn many things.  My father had a desktop computer that had come with speakers.  He replaced it with a new desktop primarily to get a faster processor and more RAM.  He tried to hook up the old speakers to the new desktop and they did not work.  I told him the amplifier for them may have been on the sound card of the former desktop so they could be useless now.  As he was determined to use them if he could, I spent time online looking for some sort of spec info and ended up confirming that he could no longer use them.  I tried to explain it very simply and graphically the reason why they cold no longer be used.  My father has the intelligence to understand what I said, so I do not believe he did not understand me.  But coming from me, it was not good enough.  I have recorded on video that I was filming of my nieces and nephews him talking in the background explaining how he spent hours and hours on the phone, first with my brother and then an online tech to “get them to work”.  I remember listening to this as my camera was aimed at the kids and feeling sad at one more instance of my dad not respecting my abilities.

I saw my abusers yesterday.  It seems to mess me up from the day I know I will have to see them (did not sleep the three nights beforehand) and then for a while after.  I have seriously considered not seeing them at all.  It would mean missing all the family birthday dinners/brunches of my siblings, nieces, nephews, aunt & uncle.  It would be emotionally hard in a different way if I was to miss all that.

Day Twenty-Three: 5 PM

“My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?”

Day Twenty-Four (30): 3:24 PM

So, today should be Day Thirty, the end of my month long attempt to start meditating…but its not.

I have just returned home after staying at my sister’s house this past week.

I brought my passwords with me and my timer with every intention of meditating and blogging while there…BUT…I brought my passwords on a medium that could not be used on their old CPU.  So…no passwords and no blogging. 

At first I was disappointed as I was determined to complete this exercise as planned but in the end my inability to retrieve passwords was a blessing.  That is because this is a difficult time of the year for me so I fear that any attempts at stillness would just bring eruptions of tears.  I am quite confident of that as I now realize that I attempt to distract myself a great deal around this time and I also eat a great deal of high calorie and high fat foods and spend money (which I cannot afford to do anymore…but I still bought some expensive cheese yesterday anyway).

As I am back home now, I can again blog.  The time period of tears isn’t over yet but I will be attempting to complete the meditation month and I will blog about it even if I do not.

I expect to mediate an hour from now.  I will post this now, as is, in advance and update post practice. 

Practice: 6:46PM

Just finished a 25 minute practice to Amazon Rainforest Sounds. 

I meditated once for 25 minutes at my sister’s house, so today is the second time at that time.  Time-wise, I could have gone longer and I wanted to when the timer went off; first time I think.  But physically, I felt the need to move with 2:30 left on the timer and had to with 0:13 left as my feet were asleep…so physically I could not have gone any longer.

Still…15 minutes to 25 minutes is progress.

I am grateful that I meditated today and I have to remember on the days that I struggle to practice.

I also read a bit more of Lawrence LeShan’s How to Mediate while at my sister’s and renewed it again.

I am on “The How of Meditation” Section.

I offer two quotes of modifications to the 1-4 breath counting that I referred to on Day Fourteen.  I included them both today for the first time and I found them helpful.  I plan to continue with them.

p. 59

It is probably best for most Westerners to count up to four and repeat.  In Zen, the usual practice is to count up to ten.  However, after working with a fairly large number of Westerners, on this exercise, it seems to me that this makes the work unnecessarily difficult.  Typically, when you get to seven, eight and nine in your counting you begin to worry if you will remember to change over at “ten” and so get thrown off stride.

…

One permissible variation on the exercise as given here is to include an “and” between the counts to “fill up” the space between exhalations.  This makes it easier for some people.  Thus you would count “one” for the first exhalation, “and” for the next inhalation, “two” for the second exhalation, “and” for the next inhalation, and so forth.

Today, I combined both the counting to ten along with the “and” on inhalation and I found the combination was good for me.  Maybe it will be for you as well.

Day Twenty-Five (31): 6:18PM

Practice:

25 Minutes that went by even faster than yesterday.  Too many thoughts.  Body very uncomfortable.  Moved at 14:10 left to go and then many times after that.  Still listening to Amazon Rain Forest Sounds and once again did a Breath Counting 1 to 10 meditation counting 1 (on exhalation), and (on inhalation), 2 (on exhalation) etc.  Found myself distracted in thought and counting until 18 at one point. 

It will not always be a practice to remember but I am still glad I did it and it was worthwhile.  The mind is a hard thing to will into submission but I am remain grateful that I choose to start meditating.

See you tomorrow!

Elina

Day Twenty-Six (32):

A quiet day that was best spent alone.  I did not mediate.

Day Twenty-Seven(33): 5:56 PM

Practice:

25 minutes that again went surprisingly fast.

Shortly before it ended, I broke the meditation silence and exclaimed:

“You can DO this!  You can DO this!”

I am not sure what THIS means?  I had a physical setback with my health a couple of months ago and each time I do it affects my mental health as well.  And this time of year is hard and sad for me.

Today will officially end the period of tears.  And my eyes were welled with them as I ended the mediation and now as I write this.

Always and forever.  I miss you.

I also decided when the 25 minute timer went off that I want to try to meditate for 30 minutes before this month long meditation diary ends.  Three more days left to meet that goal.

I am also feeling at this moment that I am kind of shocked that I have made it this far in my mediation attempt given the present state of my health.  I didn’t think that I would.  I thought this would most likely end up as a barely written blog entry on a failed attempt at mediation.

There are two things I can think of that have damaged my belief in my abilities.  I am now physically mostly free of one of them.  I pray I can conquer the second one.

I do not know if anyone will ever read this but if someone does, then know that I am wishing you peace of mind.

Love

Elina

PS.  I am going to eat a steak tonight for dinner; not sure why?  See: Happy New Year's Lamb to see how unusual that steak decision is.

Day Twenty-Eight(34): 7:26 PM

Just completed a 30 minute practice!!!!  Wow!

When I felt it was enough, I looked at the timer and there was 1:08 time left so 30 minutes is definitely the maximum for now I think.

I would like to try and use some different music tomorrow.

Felt sleepy in first half, so I had to adjust and make sure my mind was not slipping into not being active.  Was the sleepiness I felt the reason for a less thought-filled distracted practice?  I don’t know but it was much more peaceful than recently.

Going to try and read some more of Lawrence LeShan’s book before ending this meditation diary in 2 more days!!!!

Day Twenty-Nine(35): 7:11 PM

I found a place in my city that offers free meditation lessons on Wednesday nights this month…so, for a few more weeks.  I cannot afford to pay for lessons so this would be an economical way to learn something that might help me?  It is not close by but maybe doable…I think.  Now I need to get up the nerve to go.  That is much harder than you might assume.

Practice:

I meditated for 30 minutes for the second time and second day in a row!!!

As I wrote yesterday, I wanted to try some different music from the Amazon Rainforest Sounds I have been using.  I decide to try a two CD set I bought a long time ago to help me sleep and am pretty sure I never used.  I feel as I write this that I turned it on once and thought it was too weird.  I write that now because it is still playing as I write this blog and it is kinda weird sounding…but DO NOT let that put you off.

I just used it to meditate to and I will DEFINTELY be doing that again.  I cannot really explain why except YES!!…so do NOT let the weirdness throw you, as I am now remembering that it once did for me when I turned it on to sleep to after buying it.  I should try it for sleep now as well eh, since that is what is is designed for.  You can buy it here in Canada: Delta Sleep @ Amazon.ca   and here in the US: Delta Sleep @ Amazon.com. 

It is too bad that I will be stopping this mediation diary tomorrow!! because I am curious to see if the practice I experienced today can be replicated with this CD over the next few weeks.  When I started this Elina Grace Edwin blog it was to help myself and I knew that trying to write something once a month was MORE than enough for me right now so I am relieved not to be continuing the daily writing after tomorrow and I am in admiration of bloggers that do write daily, great admiration!  That said, I think that if I do continue meditating, that maybe I should update this blog again in the future...or write a second mediation blog at some point, as this month has already shown me that mediation will be a journey. 

And I have something important to say today, on Day Twenty-Nine(35), that is, that after today’s practice, I can say for the first time that I will be continuing to mediate.  I have not been sure this whole time if I would.  It took until just now to reach that point.  So, if you start meditating and don’t manage to do it every day, like I didn’t, and you feel like it is not going to work for you long term, like I did many times this month… try it a little longer.  You might change you mind?

Peace

Elina

Day Thirty(36): 5:10 PM

The last day of this meditation blog.  Will I make it to here.  Will I continue mediating after this day? 

Hello???

I am not sure if anyone has read any of the entries in this month long meditation blog but this will be my final entry.

I made it thirty days blogging about trying to start meditating, though as you can see from my entries that did not equal 30 actual days of actual meditating.

I have just completed the final mediation session that I will record on this month long blog.  My final 30 minute mediation session was much less a mediation session and more more of a crying session.

Lots of silent tears and some less silent.

Was it just today’s mediation?  Was it the music I used for the first time today, Silent Path by Robert Coxon?  Was it that I stayed up too late last night and did not get enough sleep?   Was it that this time of year for me is emotional?  Was it that within a hour of getting up it felt like the emotional bottom dropped out today?  I have a feeling of dread that I get before something bad happens.  I am hoping it is just everything else as I do not feel strong enough to deal with anything else bad right now. 

Sorry that this entry, this final entry, is not happy and positive.  Too bad I did not end the blog yesterday on its successful note.  If today was not the last day of this meditation blog, then I would not have meditated today…because of how I am feeling today but I felt like I had to meet the commitment and blog truthfully.

Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are….right?  So today, now, as I write this, I feel very sad.  Why I am not sure, except for the dread thing that has happened many times in my life.  Continuing to listen to Robert Coxon’s Silent Path as I write this is not helping as this music definitely helped elicit tears during my practice today.  I am guessing that Silent Path  is likely to make me cry in future meditation sessions so I will have to evaluate my emotional state before I use it again.  I have noticed that music has a powerful affect on my emotional state since I became sick; it is hardly just this CD.  To be honest, I stopped listening to music after I became sick because of that reason.  It is only recently that that has changed thanks to a radio station that plays what I have taken to calling happy music as 99% of it seems good for my brain.  Before I found them, I could not listen to the radio.  You can listen to the station here: Boom 97.3 Player

I am continuing to read Lawrence LeShan’s How to Mediate (see cover on my Day Two entry.  I am grateful that I got his book out of the library.  I have renewed it once and I expect to renew it a second time (assuming there are no holds on it).  I think it is actually a book that is best to read a chapter at a time while trying to learn how to meditate as opposed to all at once, for those who can or would be inclined to do it that way.  If I find a copy at a second hand book store, I will buy one.  I think it would be a nice book to lend out to people in your life, if you are inclined to do that sort of thing.  While I have not finished it, I would at this point recommend it to anyone who is just starting to mediate.

Finally, I am grateful that I decided to try and start meditating.  It was a positive decision, a healthy decision and I will be continuing to mediate after today.  Even though today’s session made me cry more than meditate, the combined sessions of the past month have on balance without question helped me.  I am clear on that.  Meditating this past month has helped me.  I may not understand exactly how yet or be able to eloquently tell you WHY I recommend that you too try to mediate for a month, like I did, but I do recommend it.  I think you should even blog about it as well!

I believe meditating will help you too.  Try it!

Peace and Love,

Elina Grace Edwin

This month's blog will be updated daily for 30 days.

Bad Dreams

I have had chronic nightmares for as many years as I can remember.  Having nightmares has been a normal part of my life.  It seems odd now as I write that sentence, but I do not know if it is unusual or if many people do. 

I have had horrific nightmares, some with patterns, a number of them for many many years.   For example, I have watched my baby brother (as he aged) drown in all ways imaginable, beginning when I was a little girl.  I once called him at his place of work shaking and crying in order to make sure he was ok after watching him drown in my dream while ice climbing after the wall of ice turned into a torrent of water.  I could see his face drowning as clear as I can see anyone while awake and I could not get to him.  My baby brother almost drowned for real when he was little more than a baby.  My parents were installing a pool and did not secure the area around it before water went in and as a toddler he walked out the back door into the pool area and fell in.  I have an image in my brain of my dad in the pool with his work clothes on and shaggy hair longer than he has now.  I do not know if that is the image my mind created from being told of my brother’s almost drowning or if I saw it, which may explain why I have had nightmares since childhood of him drowning in a myriad of ways.  I think most of my nightmares have to do with things my brain is trying to deal with, as many of them are easily tied to things that have happened to me.

I am typing this now because I just woke up from a dream  that was both very brief and very briefly scary at the end and it had got me thinking of a lifetime of having nightmares.  Is that normal?

This particular dream started out with me in the company of two of my childhood friends, one male, one female, as adults, seemingly in an apartment we all shared, though the three of us never shared an apartment together.  In the dream I was worried that my female friend was drinking too much.  I do not remember ever worrying about her drinking too much and I rarely drink so it makes no sense, as many dreams do not, except for possibly one thing.  There is a very powerful emotional memory stored somewhere in my brain of her being drunk on almost no alcohol because she was suffering from an eating disorder at the time.  That particular night, in a restaurant washroom, myself and her other girlfriends tried to come up with a plan to help her, which included my asking my family doctor if he would take her on as a patient, because she refused to go see her family doctor thinking he/she would tell her parents about her not eating.  That is the only alcohol memory of her I have, though it was a very powerful one as she had one drink and was then an absolute mess. 

Back to my dream…after my questioning whether she was drinking too much, we three were then somewhere else, entering some place that was seemingly a restaurant with bench style tables and then I knew it too be a classroom and then shortly after that someone said that ‘he (professor/teacher) had not shown and never did’.  Then everyone was gone and I was alone in the space.

After that I was taking a shower and then using the particular kind of shampoo that I am presently using.  Then the shower seemed to be in a room next to where it had been moments before and farther away from the area with the bench style tables.  At some point I saw a dead cat in the corner of the room with the tables, or thought I did.  Then there was water above the level of the dead cat.  Then I was washing my hair, realized I was wearing my clothes and started to hear a man shouting very loudly.

I then took ear plugs out of my ears (apparently I was showering with ear plugs) to hear a man shout, “there is a man in the house with a gun”, and I knew that to be police telling me they were in the house with a gun, like they were warning me or someone else that they were coming in and either I or whoever else better come out.

Then I shot awake a second later sweating and with my heart racing.

The voice that shouted (that I knew to be the police) “there is a man in the house with a gun” was so clear, as clear as someone standing next to me while awake, so when I awoke I did not know if it was in my dream or someone shouting into or near my apartment door.

I walked toward to front door frightened and listening for any sounds in the hallway.

I looked out the peephole and saw no one. I stood there for a time and heard nothing…so I went and made breakfast.

I am going to eat it now!

Elina Grace Edwin

It is my male abuser’s birthday today.

Normally on this day, I would wish my male abuser Happy Birthday and I would give him a gift.   I did this for decades for a man who felt the right to hit me at will.

This is the first day that I won’t be wishing him Happy Birthday or giving him a gift.  Like anyone who has been abused by someone who was supposed to love you, feelings on days like this are complicated.

Over these months since the last time her tried to hurt me, my feelings have shifted.

Until the last couple of months I think I have been in some sort of shock.  I am not sure that shock, as it is colloquially used, is even a medical condition, but my body and brain have been definitely experiencing some sort of high stress reaction that may or not have a medical name.  I think I still am but I can now see things for what they are a bit more….by that I mean that my brain is no longer just blocking EVERYTHING out so I can cope.

And what I can now say aloud at least in my head or type  on this page that no one may ever read…is…that I thought my male abuser was going to kill me the night I left my home….murder me…take my life.

As I stood shaking in the corner farthest from the door I had barricaded myself behind with all the furniture I could slowly push against it and as he broke partly way through and as I saw the ugliest rage that I had ever seen that made me think immediately…that is what OJ Simpson looked like before he slashed Nicole Brown Simpson’s throat… and as I picked up a small hand weight that was in a wicker basket to the right of my feet and clutched it to my chest and as he seconds later screamed, “you think that will protect you?”

I emotionally said goodbye to my female abuser on April 23, 2006.  Recently, I thought that I had in my heart essentially said goodbye to my male abuser on June 15, 2009 but I hadn’t.  What I recently realized was that June 15, 2009 had severed the last bond between us, by that I mean a bond that will keep me in his life.  I cannot sever the bond completely.  I am sure that the day I hear he is dead I will cry but he won’t be making me cry anymore before then.

Everyone deserves mercy and love.  I hope someone who didn’t think you were going to murder them wishes you Happy Birthday today.

Goodbye Mac!

Elina Grace Edwin

Dinner Without and Then With My Abusers.

Dinner without my abusers

My abusers have been in Florida for a month.  Someone I met not that long ago says I should not call them my abusers because that gives them power over me.  He is wrong.  Calling them family gave them power over me.  Calling them abusers is about telling the truth and truth=power.

When they were away I got to experience a family dinner without them and I will be grateful for the experience until I have the privilege again.  It was my beautiful niece Sunny’s birthday.  It was held at my brother Henry’s house.  And my abusers were not there.  My body felt so different the entire meal.  My muscles could relax.  The whole experience was calm.  Importantly, I did not have to avoid their gaze.

The gaze of my abusers...  It is mostly my female abuser’s gaze that I MUST avoid.  My female abuser, with one exception, never smiled when I walked into a room.  That exception was when strangers or guests were around.  On those occasions she adopted this fake, insincere smile that read, “aren’t we a happy family” and “you better not say or do anything to embarrass me or there will be hell to pay”.  Except on those anxiety provoking occasions, my female abuser has only ever looked at me with alternating disgust, revulsion and hatred.  I cannot even imagine what that would feel like to walk into a room and have her smile at me.  I am crying writing that sentence.  At some point after I moved into this apartment, I made the conscious decision to avert my eyes from now on when near her to avoid seeing disgust, revulsion and hatred reflected back at me.  My feelings for my male abuser and more complicated and the reason I cannot look at him is different also.  I was only ever abused by him in relation to my mother abusing me.  How to explain that? 

From my perspective, my female abuser was angry daily.  She seemed to wake up angry and go to bed angry.  She managed to control it around ‘certain’ people…not around me.  She could smile and ‘seem’ happy toward my brother Thomas and five seconds after he walked out the door explode in rage at me for how I balanced the broom in the corner…at the wrong angle.  She would NEVER have DARED treat him that way…EVER.  After I had started the process of unenmeshment from my female abuser, I experienced a moment of our differentiated treatment that was like fireworks going off in front of my face.  It occurred a few years ago when my brother Thomas felt that my female abuser had shouted at him.  I was floored by that moment and it will in its entirely be burned into my brain until the day I die.  He genuinely felt that she had shouted at him and in response he ironically shouted at her, “Don’t shout at me.  I don’t come into your house and shout at you”.  If I had spoken to my female abuser like that, I would have been hit shortly after covering my face and eyes to protect myself from blows from my male abuser.  My female abuser was subdued and not the least bit upset with my brother Thomas.  I don't now how to describe how she looked…almost empathetic to whatever had caused him to shout at her.  It was bizarre to me.  Why?  Because:

1.  She had not shouted at him

2. He genuinely felt she did

3. She had only ever spoke to me with that level of ‘nicety’ once…on a day in November 1998. 

4.  What I wouldn’t have given to have her speak to me that nicely on a regular basis and to him that was shouting?!?

The differentiated treatment was so glaring in that moment I felt like I might throw up on the spot.

As I said above, from my perspective, my female abuser was angry daily.  She carried with her this daily level of anger, which would involve me receiving looks of disgust, hatred and revulsion for committing the crime of existing.  If I committed the sins of say putting too much water in the tea kettle, or leaving my shoes on the shoe tray at the front door (Thomas could leave them wherever he wanted), running the dishwasher or washing machine or dryer in an unacceptable manner (acceptable changed by the hour …you could never predict acceptable) then my female abuser would get right in my face screaming about how I was  “a monster who did not deserve to live with her”, “an animal who was lucky she let me live with her” and many other verbally and emotionally abusive statements.

Nothing was ever good enough and certainly I was never good enough.  

My female abuser also has what I call longer cycles of anger.  After living with these cycles for so many years I can identify when they start and I can pinpoint where she is on the cycle.

Over a period of time, which is not consistent from cycle to cycle, my female abuser’s level of anger rises day by day.  She becomes more and more abusive and coping in that environment becomes more and more difficult.  A few years ago, I realized that when my female abuser reached a certain point of anger I would start to feel suicidal.  I would then change my sleeping schedule at that point to avoid her as much as possible.

After the rising anger levels comes a period of time where my female abuser is raging all the time.   The length of that raging time has varied over the years from several weeks to one horrible period of six months that started around December 1998.  During the raging time I was at risk of being hit by my male abuser at every moment.

The raging time period always ended with some explosion on both my female abuser and male abuser’s parts. See Elina Grace Edwin, Saturday March 20. 2010 for an explosion example.  After their combined explosion their anger would decrease for a time, but not before the next morning.  How I hated the next mornings.  The next morning after I had been physically abused for whatever innocuous thing, such as in the March 20 blog entry example above for spraying air freshener in the bathroom, I was then treated the next morning as though “I” had done something horrible…me, the victim.

After they were done punishing me, their anger would subside and then I was supposed to pretend nothing had happened and my mother would expect me to treat her as though nothing had happened.

Dinner with my abusers

As I said above, I was so grateful to experience a family dinner without my abusers.  After that dinner, I felt that I did not want them to come back from Florida.  That was the first time I thought such a things or felt such a thing.  It is a heart complicated feeling, because while the longer I stay away from them the more I realize that I do not want any contact ever again, there are people I love who love my abusers and who were not or are not abused by them and they would be in pain if my abusers were not around and I do not want them to feel pain.

I felt a very high level of anxiety and dread as the first post-Florida family dinner with my abusers approached.  It was Easter Dinner to be held at my sister Elizabeth’s house.  When I arrived I drank two cans of coke within minutes.  Coke has always been my beverage of choice when stressed.  I have many times in my life quit coke as I feel I was/am addicted to it, but I drank two cans without even thinking and sadly without even tasting.

I physically avoided my abusers as much as possible and except by accident avoided their gaze.  I will not look at the hatred and revulsion being reflected back at me from my female abuser and I cannot even look at my male abuser anymore since I processed enough of the shock of the night I left their house to be able to say aloud to myself that I thought he was going to kill me that night.  I do not wish to look at a man ever again, who I thought was going to kill me.

The coke calmed me a little, though I am not sure why coke inherently would.

I just continued to physically avoid them and avoid their gaze.  Inherently I find both choices to be hostile, but both are necessary for my mental health.

Then, while I was doing something in the kitchen, what I cannot recall, my female abuser walked toward me and starting talking as she walked.  My brain froze.  I could hear her.  I could just see that see was talking.  I was terrified.  I couldn’t breathe.  The area I was standing in seemed to get smaller and I felt myself moving backwards away from her.  I don’t know if I was walking backwards or just leaning farther back the closer she got to me.  I don’t know how long she talked and I don’t know if she walked away when she was finished talking or I did, but I think she did.

At the time I did not think I heard one word she said, but afterward I remembered one word, “Fiona”.

I stayed far away from both of them after that and when it came time for people to leave I hid in my sister’s basement until my abusers were gone or actually until my brother-in-law came looking for me.

While I was hiding in the basement, I heard my female abuser say that some of the people she met there stay in Florida for six months. 

Please.

Elina Grace Edwin

I am watching Kiefer hit Kristina and I am crying.

I am watching the Monday March 15, 2010 episode of ABC’s General Hospital. I have just watched the slow motion scenes of Kiefer physically assaulting Kristina Corinthos Davis and then the subsequent scenes where she lies on the ground after the abuse and  her abuser blames her.

I know those cries. I know the perversion and brainwashing of abusers. And I know the humiliation.

In this case, her abuser cries:

“Look at what you made me do!”

And…

“Why do you always make me so mad?”

after he abuses HER.

It is a very hard thing not only to be have been abused, but to have been abused by people who are supposed to love you. The fact that they are your family somehow keeps you holding on long beyond when you should. It certainly did for me. If I could go back in time, I would give up my abusers a long time ago…knowing what I know now. I actually gave one of them up four years ago next month (April 23, 2006), but the other I made excuses for, for too long, because his abuse was less frequent. I have only “very” recently stopped doing that (making any excuses for his abuse). You don’t know what you need to know in order to give up family abusers…the TRUTH…because when someone who is supposed to love you hits you and convinces you deserved it, you have been in fact brainwashed in some form. The more distance you can get from the abuse, the more the truth starts to appear. That is what is slowly happening to me.

The first time I started to see “any” truth, was after one instance when I was physically abused for spraying some air freshener in my abusers’ bathroom and ended up staying at the mother of of a friend’s house for at least a week…it might have been two weeks. Instead of getting up the morning after the abuse and being treating as though “I” had done something wrong, as Kristina was, I was not abused a second time in that way, on that occasion. That gave me some distance to think and to “start” to see things for what they truly were.

In that particular abuse instance, I arrived home and walked through the front door and was confronted by one of my two abusers who came at me in a physically intimidating manner and screamed “Did you spray something in our bathroom?”. It is hard to explain to anyone who has not been hit how you know you are about to be hit. After decades of that fear, I call it ‘reading the tea leaves’. What do tea leaves have to do with being abused? Nothing. It is just what I call it…the instantaneous reading a victim of physical abuse does, of their abusers’ body language. When you are abused you have eyes on every part of your body.

I responded that I had sprayed some air freshener in their bathroom earlier.

My female abuser responded “the floor was sticky and I blamed your [male abuser]”. Moments later I was escaping being hit and tried to lock myself in a nearby bathroom. I was not fast enough. My female abuser slammed the bathroom door against my body, so I was pinned behind it and ordered my male abuser to “hold [me]there”. He responded with seething anger: “Don’t you worry. I will.”. I can still hear in my head right now, exactly how he sounded when he said that. After that my body was slammed with the door more times than I can count and my male abuser screamed if I ever did that again that “[he] would put me through a wall” and that “[he] would kill me”.

When they were eventually done and left, I locked the door and sat numb on the bathroom floor trying not to cry because I knew if I cried I would be hit again.

I eventually left the bathroom and slowly made my way up the staircase, that was located between the bathroom and the front door. When I reached the third step from the top, my female abuser appeared and screamed, “how dare you spray anything in our bathroom”. I prayed, not religiously, that I could get into my room without anything else starting so I walked really slowly by her, trying not to antagonize her in any way. I made it safely into my bedroom and locked the door, both locks.

At the end of the March 15, 2010 episode when Kristina is questioned in front of her parents and a family friend police officer and asked who abused her, she lies. She protects her abusive boyfriend and says it was someone else. I have never lied about my abusers. I just didn’t tell anyone for most of my life. The more you start to see the truth, the more you realize that protecting them was a mistake.

What I know for sure is…that if someone watched me watching this episode…they would see through my reaction to it and they would KNOW.

Elina Grace Edwin

Mary O’Connor, my pretend mother

This is the first time I have ever written about my pretend mother, something that I assumed would always be secret.  We all have a public life, a private life and a secret life.  My pretend mother was a part of my secret life…until now.

When I was younger, not sure what age, I made up a pretend mother.  Only she wasn’t pretend to me.  In order to cope with my mother’s treatment of me, at some point my mind needed to do that…make up a REAL mother.  The reals and pretends might get  a little confusing. 

I understand that my mother, who I no longer have a relationship with, is my biological mother.  In case I ever had any doubt , my mother saying, “I never wanted you.  You just came along because your father didn’t believe in birth control” would have cleared up any doubts.

At some point growing up, the psychological pain from the way my mother treated me was just too much.  My brain could not cope.  In response, it made up a REAL mother.  In the story I told myself, my real mother’s name was Mary O’Connor.  Why Mary O’Connor and not another name, I cannot remember.  My mother Mary O’Connor died not long after giving birth to me.  My dad then got remarried to the woman for whom I was a monster and an animal but she was not my real mother. 

Mary O’Connor was about 5’7 and had long Irish red hair.  She was very kind, very loving and very gentle.  She wanted me and she loved me.

Elina Grace Edwin

Happy New Year's Lamb!

I love lamb.  Lamb and fish are the only two meats that I eat. 

Fifteen years ago this past September 1st, I gave up eating chicken and beef.  It all started when I ate a Licks Burger that tasted very not ok.  Honestly, it did not taste like beef at all.  Whatever was wrong with it that day, it stopped me cold from eating ground beef until an accidental ingestion at South Street Burger a couple of months ago…a full fifteen years later.  Until that moment back in 1994, I loved red meat.  While we never really had steak growing up as my mother said it was too expensive, I loved hamburgers.  We also ate lots of “mince”, a Scottish dinner meal of ground beef browned and mixed with  beef stock and also containing onion, carrots and boiled potatoes.

Soon after being so turned off hamburger, I could not even eat a steak and then by the end of 1994 I had stopped eating meat altogether, including lamb.  I never gave up eating fish and while I did not consider myself a vegetarian, many people referred to me as one.  I believe I was what is called a pesco- vegetarian.

Looking back on it now, I can honestly say that it was a good decision.  I learned to love vegetables and even though I now, as of a couple of years ago,  eat lamb again, I still adore vegetables in  way I would not have otherwise. 

A couple of years  ago I emailed the New Zealand Lamb Company with a number of questions.  A few months later, I bought my first loin chops.  I now love lamb loin chops grilled medium rare. 

Since starting to eat lamb again, I have also eaten two Ontario Certified Organic steaks and once even eaten chicken at Swiss Chalet.  I won’t soon forget each of those moments.  When you have not eaten beef or chicken for fourteen years, you forget what they taste like. 

In the case of the steak, it was almost like eating something brand new.  My brain did not seem to remember the taste of beef.  While it was fine, I concluded that I much…much…prefer lamb over beef. 

Then last Christmas, after shopping for Advent Calendar treats for my nieces & nephews, I was both exhausted and hungry.  I found myself steps away from a Swiss Chalet.  Before I continue, I should say that I LOVED Swiss Chalet as a child.  It was one of two family restaurants we ate at when I was a child.  The other was surprise surprise…McDonalds.  I can remember the Swiss Chalet chicken tastes and smells even now.  That being said, when I ordered a white quarter festive special last Christmas, I was really disappointed that it did not taste like my memories.  I do not know if my palate has changed or if Swiss Chalet chicken has, but I ate half a quarter chicken dinner and concluded that I likely would never eat chicken again.  If Swiss Chalet could not entice me back to eating chicken, then there was no hope.  Frankly, I also concluded that tofu had more flavour.  I have eaten a great deal of tofu since my no longer eating meat days began and it tastes better to me than that Swiss Chalet did.  I feel like I have committed a unpatriotic sin saying that.  I really really wanted it to taste like my memories, but found that chicken kind of tastes like nothing really.

So back to Lamb.  I could eat medium rare loin chops far too often, but they are expensive, so I went looking for less expensive cuts of meat, so I could eat lamb more often.  The first thing I noticed is that there aren’t as many lamb options in the grocers as there are beef options.  I noticed ground lamb…out; various roasts…just for me, so out.  The only other cut at my local grocers was lamb shanks. 

It is now one hour before New Year's.  Most are out reveling.  I have just finished eating a delicious dinner, which brings me to the first thing I am grateful for as 2010 approaches:

Enough to eat.

I have been very careful to try and not waste even half a lemon since I moved into the apartment.  When I have half a lemon left, I buy an avocado and make guacamole.  I did very well for a couple of months and then my sister kindly gave me some apples she obtained apple picking.  I am allergic to apples but I can eat them well cooked.  My allergist explained, “you may be able to eat them cooked because it denatures the protein”.  So I made my first apple crumble with the gifted apples and ate it over several days.  I had two apples leftover.  I realized after they went bad…and it does take apples a while to go bad…that I should have just stuck them in the oven and baked them like I had eaten apples long ago on an open camp fire.  But I didn’t and they were wasted.

I decided at some point after I moved here that I would make myself a nice meal on any holidays that I was alone or not with my family.  Tonight, for New Year’s Eve, I made myself a sort of Moroccan inspired lamb dish.  I am calling it Elina’s New Year’s Lamb.  I measured and recorded my ingredients in case it turned out well and I wanted to make it again.  It was very tasty.  I will make it again.  Here is the recipe, in case you want to try it too.

 

          

Happy New Year 2010!.  Health and Blessings to all.

Elina Grace Edwin