Normally on this day, I would wish my male abuser Happy Birthday and I would give him a gift. I did this for decades for a man who felt the right to hit me at will.
This is the first day that I won’t be wishing him Happy Birthday or giving him a gift. Like anyone who has been abused by someone who was supposed to love you, feelings on days like this are complicated.
Over these months since the last time her tried to hurt me, my feelings have shifted.
Until the last couple of months I think I have been in some sort of shock. I am not sure that shock, as it is colloquially used, is even a medical condition, but my body and brain have been definitely experiencing some sort of high stress reaction that may or not have a medical name. I think I still am but I can now see things for what they are a bit more….by that I mean that my brain is no longer just blocking EVERYTHING out so I can cope.
And what I can now say aloud at least in my head or type on this page that no one may ever read…is…that I thought my male abuser was going to kill me the night I left my home….murder me…take my life.
As I stood shaking in the corner farthest from the door I had barricaded myself behind with all the furniture I could slowly push against it and as he broke partly way through and as I saw the ugliest rage that I had ever seen that made me think immediately…that is what OJ Simpson looked like before he slashed Nicole Brown Simpson’s throat…
and as I picked up a small hand weight that was in a wicker basket to the right of my feet and clutched it to my chest and as he seconds later screamed, “you think that will protect you?”
I emotionally said goodbye to my female abuser on April 23, 2006. Recently, I thought that I had in my heart essentially said goodbye to my male abuser on June 15, 2009 but I hadn’t. What I recently realized was that June 15, 2009 had severed the last bond between us, by that I mean a bond that will keep me in his life. I cannot sever the bond completely. I am sure that the day I hear he is dead I will cry but he won’t be making me cry anymore before then.
Everyone deserves mercy and love. I hope someone who didn’t think you were going to murder them wishes you Happy Birthday today.
Goodbye Mac!
Elina Grace Edwin
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