I meditated years ago. I am not sure for how long (not too long) or even why I gave up. I have decided to try again. Intuitively, I think it will help me; mostly, I am hoping that it will. I am going to blog the first 30 days by updating this page each day...even if it means I give up on Day Ten.
Day One: 5:23 PM
Just finished my first 15 minute attempt at meditating…again.
Day Two 3:11 PM
Took “How To Meditate”, by Lawrence LeShan out of the library. Starting to read it now.
Day Three: 4:20 PM
Have to move positions at least three times as my muscles cannot sit in same position for 15 minutes. I hope to be able to sit unmoving at some point.
Day Four: 5:43 PM
Started later than the plan today… as was trying to get a, made out of the AC box it came in, screen back into the window above my newly installed bedroom AC, after I duct taped the outside. In the minutes leading up to today’s meditation, I felt that I was ‘looking forward to it’ for the first time. That was a pleasing feeling.
Practice:
Too many thoughts. 15 mins was too short so I extended it to 20 minutes. Will I do 20 minutes starting tomorrow?
Day Five: 2:17 PM
My muscles are so clumsy today. Earlier, I badly banged two toes, the same two toes I dropped a DVD player on 
Day Six: 5:46 PM
Yesterday’s meditation was very distracted. I kept waiting for the apartment buzzer to go off and therefore could not relax. It went off with seconds left in a fifteen minute meditation.
I went for a walk today in the heat before meditating. Today’s practice was better, though I cannot quite believe how many thoughts come into my head. I did have quieter moments in today’s 20 minute mediation. I am grateful for them. I hope they will increase in length and number. I will definitely NOT be going back to 15 minutes. I am already appreciating 20 minutes and can see increasing that easily at some point. Now if I could just get my feet to stop going to sleep with pins and needles. :)
Day Seven: 6:54 PM
Practice: Either my ability to sit in the position has improved by today, Day Seven, or else it may just be the fact that I showered right beforehand and it helped my muscles. I made it 16 minutes without adjusting!!!!! I hope it continues tomorrow and it not just the shower. I heard a noise ?from my computer with less than 4 minutes remaining in my 20 minute practice with made me open my eyes.
After completing Day Seven, I can say that this has been a positive decision in my life. Even 20 minutes can do the mind good.
Day Eight: 6:10 PM
Is my meditation practice getting later and later?
I walked far today in order to do something good that will hopefully help a group of people; time will tell. I am tired and I don’t feel like meditating. There is something wrong with my DVD drive I think, so I want to fix it now, though I have no idea how at this moment.
I have fixed it. I have stalled by doing other things and it is now 7:43pm. Meditation is stimulating I believe so I really shouldn’t be doing it this late, right? Going to do 15 minutes.
Practice:
Could stay in position for 10 1/2 minutes, so maybe the shower beforehand yesterday’s practice did help me. Today is still longer than the first couple of days where I moved constantly…so progress. Even though I didn’t want to do it today, I am glad I did.
Earlier though tomorrow!!!
Day Nine: 11:45 PM
I am having a stress reaction and have been for an hour maybe. Yesterday I was really proud of that thing I did to help some people...particularly that I ACTED instead of being afraid. Today I am scared someone will pound on my door like my abusers use to and then I will be hit. Let me try to explain. What I did yesterday was a good thing and unquestionably the right thing, but it was not anonymous and there are one or two people who might be upset that I did it. I am use to people reacting abusively to things they do not like and not rationally so I am trying to tell myself that no one is going to hit me…but tell that to my heart and brain because they are not believing it right now. I think today will be a lesson of some sort; I hope it is a new kind of lesson.
Should I try to meditate in this state or do it later in the day as I prefer? I don’t know.
Practice:
Stress reaction lasted two hours. That was many hours ago. Now is 6:35pm. Just finished a 20 minute session. Made it 19 minutes and 40 seconds seated in the position without adjusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After completing Day Nine, I have realized how people could choose to meditate for much longer than 20 minute periods. Will I do so one day?
Meditating is a good thing; try it!
Peace,
Elina
Day Ten: 8:17 PM
Yep…getting later and later. Not good I think.
By the afternoon yesterday, I was really SHOCKED by my stress reaction that had me genuinely fearing that someone other than my abusers might hit me. I do not know what that is but I hope it never happens again.
Good News: I found out last evening that the people I tried to help were helped and so far the one or two people who may be angry that I helped them have not come to find me. :)
Practice:
20 minutes long. Was able to hold the position for 17:01 minutes.
I think meditation MAY be changing the way I think? It is hard to believe that that could be happening in ten days!?! That said, I think it may be making me more conscious of thought.
I have always believed …engage your brain before you open you mouth, as words have power, the power to harm and the power to heal so I am a conscious speaker but something in the last few days has been going on with my thoughts. I cannot quite explain it yet but could it be the meditation practice?
Day Eleven:
Didn’t meditate…bad girl!
Day Twelve:
Didn’t meditate…really bad girl!
Day Thirteen: 9:44 PM (yes even later)
So, even though I did not meditate for the last two days which just flew by, there was still something new happening with my mind I think. I really think that meditating is making me more conscious of thought somehow. It is now extending to how I eat…at least I think that is what is happening. Something is certainly happening. I cannot prove meditation is responsible but I am sure it it at least partly so.
Sometime ago I read a paragraph that explained really well how people with one of my health conditions can gain a great deal of weight easily. I knew I had gained weight because I had to buy bigger sizes but I did not know the number. I was shocked when I found out how much. However for the same medical reasons, I did not see that changing much. Before I developed health problems I never had any weight issues in my life. I was always fit. In the last two days I have become quite conscious about eating and have accepted that I am going to have to eat less given my medical conditions if I want to lose weight. I think it would be better if I weighed less so I am now officially trying for the fist time in my life.
Practice: 9:44PM
Day Fourteen: 7 PM
I meditated outside today for 20 minutes in my concrete garden as I am now calling it. Behind my building there is a concrete area big enough to hold maybe two cars. I found a hardwood fold-up chair in the neighbouring building's garage some weeks ago and about a week ago, my brother-in-law fixed it. I could not cross my legs in the chair so I just sat and closed my eyes.
Afterward I read a little bit of How to Mediate (mentioned in Day Two, above). I have difficulty reading these days, so I am grateful for any amount that I manage to read.
From Lawrence LeShan’s book, I learned my first example of a basic meditation exercise. It is different from what I have been doing. I plan to try it tomorrow (for 20 minutes):
Set a timer for 15 minutes
Now simply count silently each time you breathe OUT. Count “one” for the first breath, “two” for the second, “three” for the third, “four” for the fourth and then start with “one” again. Keep repeating this procedure until the 15 minutes are up.
Also, day two of consciously eating. Interestingly, I have become aware of a certain physical sensation that I have responded to until now by eating. Strangely, I am now not sure if it is even a sign of hunger and instead not a digestive symptom? When I feel it, I am waiting an hour to see if it means I am still hungry. I was also conscious to eat every 3-4 hours today, which will be very important for me, as I normally only eat twice and by the time I eat the second meal am over-hungry and then likely over-eat. I think my pattern of eating today was very good for me. I can feel it. Now I have to keep doing it.
Day Fifteen: 11:20 PM
Yep..almost the next day.
Just did 20 minutes of the practice mentioned in Day Fourteen above. It was NOTICEABLY quieter in my mind during this practice, so, I have officially learned my first thing from Lawrence LeShan’s book and I will continue meditating this way tomorrow.
I am feeling very proud of my conscious eating. It is possible that I may have tasted the flavour of food more today?
Day Sixteen: (too embarrassed to tell you the time)
I got nothing fruitful done today. You know those kind of days?
Practice:
Very late. Don’t remember if I noticed it affecting my sleep last night after meditating late then as well?
20 Minutes. Not nearly as quiet in my head as yesterday doing the 1,2,3,4 breathing exercise of Day Fourteen
From How To Meditate, p. 25
“One can see from this definition the reason for the remarkable freshness and clarity of perception that often arises after serious meditational work. Things seem to have a more “suchness.” Red is redder, water is wetter, and mud is muddier. We see again with fresh eyes from which the scales of inattention have dropped. Again and again my students have described seeing the commonplace in a new and alive manner in which everything had a vital and brilliant identity…”
Is this what I have been experiencing?
Day Seventeen: 6:02 PM YEAH!!!!
I think for week four I will try to do 25 minutes. Today’s practice was quieter in my head and my body was also more comfortable. In fact as I write this, I realize that I did not adjust my body after getting into position, once in the 20 minutes!!
I listen to Monks chanting while I meditate. Are you supposed to listen to music when you meditate or sit in quiet? Maybe I will find out from Lawrence LeShan’s book?
I do not have an MP3 player and I am assuming that I cannot afford one? However, I have seen my niece with one that I a guessing it not as expensive as things like iPods? I would like to get one that would allow me to transfer my Canto Gregoriano CD to it so I can try to meditate outdoors in different places. I think I would like to try that.
Day Eighteen: (didn’t meditate today)
You can learn many things on YouTube. I Googled for ideas of meditation music and came across this video:
From the video:
“Do not inhale or exhale consciously”.
I have been doing so consciously and deeply. Will try this new information in tomorrow’s practice.
Day Nineteen: (didn’t meditate today)
From How To Meditate, p. 40
In any serious meditation program there will be dry, dull periods when you feel bored with the work. These feelings are part of your resistance. Stay with it, if you can, during these periods. Work harder at it. Presently it will pass…and you will find the meditation a deeper, richer experience at the end of the dry period than it was before.
Day Twenty: 12:15 AM Day Twenty-One
So…technically I started the meditation on Day Twenty and finished it on Day Twenty-One.
Today’s practice was different in three ways than Days One to Nineteen.
- I meditated for 25 Minutes for the first time today!! I had to physically adjust at 24:30 and when I opened my eyes at 25 minutes, I realized that my left foot was asleep…completely…could not feel it at all.
- I also used the inhalation and exhalation advice from the video in Day Eighteen. That made it a very different experience than the deep long slow conscious breaths I was doing before. I think this combined with counting on exhalation MAY have helped create less thoughts and a quieter practice?
- I also meditated to new music today. Amazon Rainforest sounds. It definitely feels different than the Monks Chanting. I think it may be a good idea to try different kinds of music. Here is one similar to the one I meditated to today. You can play it and mediate for 25 minutes, like I did today. When it finishes your 25 minutes is up. (I had trouble embedding just the music, so this is the YT version. You will have your eyes closed and not see the video anyway. If I figure out the playlist mistake I am making I will embed just the music):
Day Twenty-One: (didn’t mediate today)
I had maybe 2 hours sleep last night. I could barely keep my eyes open all day. I didn’t see any point in meditating. There would be nothing active about it. I would have just fallen asleep.
Day Twenty-Two: 4:30 PM
How to Mediate, Lawrence LeShan, p.39
“…stay with each meditation you try for the several weeks necessary to learn how to use it. At the end of that time, if you feel better after you do it than you did before, continue. Otherwise, experiment further.”
Practice:
25 mins of Not Good :(. Felt very sad very soon into it and throughout. Mood changed from the moments before I started soon into the practice. Thoughts affect your feelings right?
First thought that started it off was I had a dad who was okay with the fact that he had not said a word to his daughter in over a year. I realize that I have not wanted to talk to the man I thought was going to kill me, so I have likewise not spoken to him but I was the one who had to barricade myself behind a door to keep from being physically abused. I would have liked to have had a Dad who did not physically assault me for decades.
I would also have liked to have had a dad who was proud of me:
My brother-in-law asked my dad what his ‘favourite memory was of me’? He could not answer one. I was the valedictorian in my elementary grade school. I also made the speech at my high school graduation ceremony. I was chosen to do that by both the teachers and the students. Were neither of these good enough for consideration?
I do not think I ever felt hat he was proud of me. When I did accomplish things or when I had developed skill sets he did not seem to respect them.
As an example, when I would have letters to the editor published in newspapers, his response was to enquire how many letters they receive on a given day (he wanted to figure out if it was actually and accomplishment). No congratulations. Nothing.
I worked in a area where I developed a certain level of computer knowledge. At one time I would have described my knowledge as ‘more than any layperson out there but less than any formal computer techie'. As tech changes very quickly, I would not describe myself that way now but if I had to I could didactically learn many things. My father had a desktop computer that had come with speakers. He replaced it with a new desktop primarily to get a faster processor and more RAM. He tried to hook up the old speakers to the new desktop and they did not work. I told him the amplifier for them may have been on the sound card of the former desktop so they could be useless now. As he was determined to use them if he could, I spent time online looking for some sort of spec info and ended up confirming that he could no longer use them. I tried to explain it very simply and graphically the reason why they cold no longer be used. My father has the intelligence to understand what I said, so I do not believe he did not understand me. But coming from me, it was not good enough. I have recorded on video that I was filming of my nieces and nephews him talking in the background explaining how he spent hours and hours on the phone, first with my brother and then an online tech to “get them to work”. I remember listening to this as my camera was aimed at the kids and feeling sad at one more instance of my dad not respecting my abilities.
I saw my abusers yesterday. It seems to mess me up from the day I know I will have to see them (did not sleep the three nights beforehand) and then for a while after. I have seriously considered not seeing them at all. It would mean missing all the family birthday dinners/brunches of my siblings, nieces, nephews, aunt & uncle. It would be emotionally hard in a different way if I was to miss all that.
Day Twenty-Three: 5 PM
“My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?”
Day Twenty-Four (30): 3:24 PM
So, today should be Day Thirty, the end of my month long attempt to start meditating…but its not.
I have just returned home after staying at my sister’s house this past week.
I brought my passwords with me and my timer with every intention of meditating and blogging while there…BUT…I brought my passwords on a medium that could not be used on their old CPU. So…no passwords and no blogging.
At first I was disappointed as I was determined to complete this exercise as planned but in the end my inability to retrieve passwords was a blessing. That is because this is a difficult time of the year for me so I fear that any attempts at stillness would just bring eruptions of tears. I am quite confident of that as I now realize that I attempt to distract myself a great deal around this time and I also eat a great deal of high calorie and high fat foods and spend money (which I cannot afford to do anymore…but I still bought some expensive cheese yesterday anyway).
As I am back home now, I can again blog. The time period of tears isn’t over yet but I will be attempting to complete the meditation month and I will blog about it even if I do not.
I expect to mediate an hour from now. I will post this now, as is, in advance and update post practice.
Practice: 6:46PM
Just finished a 25 minute practice to Amazon Rainforest Sounds.
I meditated once for 25 minutes at my sister’s house, so today is the second time at that time. Time-wise, I could have gone longer and I wanted to when the timer went off; first time I think. But physically, I felt the need to move with 2:30 left on the timer and had to with 0:13 left as my feet were asleep…so physically I could not have gone any longer.
Still…15 minutes to 25 minutes is progress.
I am grateful that I meditated today and I have to remember on the days that I struggle to practice.
I also read a bit more of Lawrence LeShan’s How to Mediate while at my sister’s and renewed it again.
I am on “The How of Meditation” Section.
I offer two quotes of modifications to the 1-4 breath counting that I referred to on Day Fourteen. I included them both today for the first time and I found them helpful. I plan to continue with them.
p. 59
It is probably best for most Westerners to count up to four and repeat. In Zen, the usual practice is to count up to ten. However, after working with a fairly large number of Westerners, on this exercise, it seems to me that this makes the work unnecessarily difficult. Typically, when you get to seven, eight and nine in your counting you begin to worry if you will remember to change over at “ten” and so get thrown off stride.
…
One permissible variation on the exercise as given here is to include an “and” between the counts to “fill up” the space between exhalations. This makes it easier for some people. Thus you would count “one” for the first exhalation, “and” for the next inhalation, “two” for the second exhalation, “and” for the next inhalation, and so forth.
Today, I combined both the counting to ten along with the “and” on inhalation and I found the combination was good for me. Maybe it will be for you as well.
Day Twenty-Five (31): 6:18PM
Practice:
25 Minutes that went by even faster than yesterday. Too many thoughts. Body very uncomfortable. Moved at 14:10 left to go and then many times after that. Still listening to Amazon Rain Forest Sounds and once again did a Breath Counting 1 to 10 meditation counting 1 (on exhalation), and (on inhalation), 2 (on exhalation) etc. Found myself distracted in thought and counting until 18 at one point.
It will not always be a practice to remember but I am still glad I did it and it was worthwhile. The mind is a hard thing to will into submission but I am remain grateful that I choose to start meditating.
See you tomorrow!
Elina
Day Twenty-Six (32):
A quiet day that was best spent alone. I did not mediate.
Day Twenty-Seven(33): 5:56 PM
Practice:
25 minutes that again went surprisingly fast.
Shortly before it ended, I broke the meditation silence and exclaimed:
“You can DO this! You can DO this!”
I am not sure what THIS means? I had a physical setback with my health a couple of months ago and each time I do it affects my mental health as well. And this time of year is hard and sad for me.
Today will officially end the period of tears. And my eyes were welled with them as I ended the mediation and now as I write this.
Always and forever. I miss you.
I also decided when the 25 minute timer went off that I want to try to meditate for 30 minutes before this month long meditation diary ends. Three more days left to meet that goal.
I am also feeling at this moment that I am kind of shocked that I have made it this far in my mediation attempt given the present state of my health. I didn’t think that I would. I thought this would most likely end up as a barely written blog entry on a failed attempt at mediation.
There are two things I can think of that have damaged my belief in my abilities. I am now physically mostly free of one of them. I pray I can conquer the second one.
I do not know if anyone will ever read this but if someone does, then know that I am wishing you peace of mind.
Love
Elina
PS. I am going to eat a steak tonight for dinner; not sure why? See: Happy New Year's Lamb to see how unusual that steak decision is.
Day Twenty-Eight(34): 7:26 PM
Just completed a 30 minute practice!!!! Wow! 
When I felt it was enough, I looked at the timer and there was 1:08 time left so 30 minutes is definitely the maximum for now I think.
I would like to try and use some different music tomorrow.
Felt sleepy in first half, so I had to adjust and make sure my mind was not slipping into not being active. Was the sleepiness I felt the reason for a less thought-filled distracted practice? I don’t know but it was much more peaceful than recently.
Going to try and read some more of Lawrence LeShan’s book before ending this meditation diary in 2 more days!!!!
Day Twenty-Nine(35): 7:11 PM
I found a place in my city that offers free meditation lessons on Wednesday nights this month…so, for a few more weeks. I cannot afford to pay for lessons so this would be an economical way to learn something that might help me? It is not close by but maybe doable…I think. Now I need to get up the nerve to go. That is much harder than you might assume.
Practice:
I meditated for 30 minutes for the second time and second day in a row!!!
As I wrote yesterday, I wanted to try some different music from the Amazon Rainforest Sounds I have been using. I decide to try a two CD set I bought a long time ago to help me sleep and am pretty sure I never used. I feel as I write this that I turned it on once and thought it was too weird. I write that now because it is still playing as I write this blog and it is kinda weird sounding…but DO NOT let that put you off.
I just used it to meditate to and I will DEFINTELY be doing that again. I cannot really explain why except YES!!…so do NOT let the weirdness throw you, as I am now remembering that it once did for me when I turned it on to sleep to after buying it. I should try it for sleep now as well eh, since that is what is is designed for. You can buy it here in Canada: Delta Sleep @ Amazon.ca and here in the US: Delta Sleep @ Amazon.com.
It is too bad that I will be stopping this mediation diary tomorrow!! because I am curious to see if the practice I experienced today can be replicated with this CD over the next few weeks. When I started this Elina Grace Edwin blog it was to help myself and I knew that trying to write something once a month was MORE than enough for me right now so I am relieved not to be continuing the daily writing after tomorrow and I am in admiration of bloggers that do write daily, great admiration! That said, I think that if I do continue meditating, that maybe I should update this blog again in the future...or write a second mediation blog at some point, as this month has already shown me that mediation will be a journey.
And I have something important to say today, on Day Twenty-Nine(35), that is, that after today’s practice, I can say for the first time that I will be continuing to mediate. I have not been sure this whole time if I would. It took until just now to reach that point. So, if you start meditating and don’t manage to do it every day, like I didn’t, and you feel like it is not going to work for you long term, like I did many times this month… try it a little longer. You might change you mind?
Peace
Elina
Day Thirty(36): 5:10 PM
The last day of this meditation blog. Will I make it to here. Will I continue mediating after this day?
Hello???
I am not sure if anyone has read any of the entries in this month long meditation blog but this will be my final entry.
I made it thirty days blogging about trying to start meditating, though as you can see from my entries that did not equal 30 actual days of actual meditating.
I have just completed the final mediation session that I will record on this month long blog. My final 30 minute mediation session was much less a mediation session and more more of a crying session.
Lots of silent tears and some less silent.
Was it just today’s mediation? Was it the music I used for the first time today, Silent Path by Robert Coxon? Was it that I stayed up too late last night and did not get enough sleep? Was it that this time of year for me is emotional? Was it that within a hour of getting up it felt like the emotional bottom dropped out today? I have a feeling of dread that I get before something bad happens. I am hoping it is just everything else as I do not feel strong enough to deal with anything else bad right now.
Sorry that this entry, this final entry, is not happy and positive. Too bad I did not end the blog yesterday on its successful note. If today was not the last day of this meditation blog, then I would not have meditated today…because of how I am feeling today but I felt like I had to meet the commitment and blog truthfully.
Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are….right? So today, now, as I write this, I feel very sad. Why I am not sure, except for the dread thing that has happened many times in my life. Continuing to listen to Robert Coxon’s Silent Path as I write this is not helping as this music definitely helped elicit tears during my practice today. I am guessing that Silent Path is likely to make me cry in future meditation sessions so I will have to evaluate my emotional state before I use it again. I have noticed that music has a powerful affect on my emotional state since I became sick; it is hardly just this CD. To be honest, I stopped listening to music after I became sick because of that reason. It is only recently that that has changed thanks to a radio station that plays what I have taken to calling happy music as 99% of it seems good for my brain. Before I found them, I could not listen to the radio. You can listen to the station here: Boom 97.3 Player
I am continuing to read Lawrence LeShan’s How to Mediate (see cover on my Day Two entry. I am grateful that I got his book out of the library. I have renewed it once and I expect to renew it a second time (assuming there are no holds on it). I think it is actually a book that is best to read a chapter at a time while trying to learn how to meditate as opposed to all at once, for those who can or would be inclined to do it that way. If I find a copy at a second hand book store, I will buy one. I think it would be a nice book to lend out to people in your life, if you are inclined to do that sort of thing. While I have not finished it, I would at this point recommend it to anyone who is just starting to mediate.
Finally, I am grateful that I decided to try and start meditating. It was a positive decision, a healthy decision and I will be continuing to mediate after today. Even though today’s session made me cry more than meditate, the combined sessions of the past month have on balance without question helped me. I am clear on that. Meditating this past month has helped me. I may not understand exactly how yet or be able to eloquently tell you WHY I recommend that you too try to mediate for a month, like I did, but I do recommend it. I think you should even blog about it as well!
I believe meditating will help you too. Try it!
Peace and Love,
Elina Grace Edwin
This month's blog will be updated daily for 30 days.
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