The first time I was not happy to see you… love of my life.

Love of my life?  As of today, he still is.  How do you know someone is the love of your life until you die? 

I have loved 3-4 men.  I have been in love with 2-3 men.  But my soul has only loved one man. 

What’s this 3-4, 2-3 stuff Elina?  How do you love 3-4 men?

There are three men that I know I have loved and two of them I fell in love with.  There is a fourth man who for a time I thought I loved and was in love with and then I wasn’t so sure that it was love and later questioned whether I had been in love.  To this day, I am still not sure, hence the 2-3 and 3-4 numbers.

My life has been quite precarious for a while now.  I do not know where my health will be a month from now or anywhere longer into the future, so there are no thoughts of any future relationships of any kind, let alone a relationship with a guy.

I don’t have any expectation right now that I will one day be well and could possibly love another man but if such a thing was possible, could he be the love of my life?  Can you have more than one?

The love of my life died many years ago now, very young, too young.  Since his death, he has appeared in my dreams a number of times.  I have always been grateful and happy to see him in my dreams.  I awake afterward with an amazingly peaceful feeling.  Dreams of him have never felt like dreams.  I do not know how to describe how they are different; they just are.

I have always been so grateful for the times he has appeared in my dreams.  I cannot describe the peace I feel after waking from one of them.  I wish I could feel that feeling all day every day.

That is…until today.

Today I had a dream that felt like the Owl calling my name.  Did you ever see that movie in school?

Well, in my dream I was lying down, not sure now whether on a table or a bed but I think a table not unautopsy or hospital bed-like.

My love of my life was telling me:

“You will be alone (?for a while/for a short time) and then the team will come.”

Then he pulled a sheet/blanket over my head like is done after someone dies.

Yikes, love of my life!  Do you not know how long I have fought illness and fought to stay alive?  If there is a you beyond this life then I am guessing you do.

Am I supposed to be comforted that you my love told me this or freaked out that you are coming to my dreams telling me I am going to die?!?

I did not get that amazing peaceful feeling this time Curly-Top!

Elina Grace Edwin