A friend who I met in kindergarten made a speech about me at her wedding that made me sound like Mother Theresa. It was very uncomfortable being in that room when she spoke those kind words.
Until now I have been a good person throughout my life. Integrity has always been the most important thing to me.
But something has happened to me as a result of the events of June 15, 2009 that has led to a crisis of conscience. I think I was in some sort of shock state for a long time after that and when the shock lessened, I don’t think I believed in good anymore. Doing the right thing got me abused for far too many years and when the people who I thought were the good guys, the white knights, the heroes the cowboys, the cavalry showed up… they were the bad guys too.
Bad seems to keep winning win and good gets abused so I don’t know anymore what all those years of integrity were worth??? I guess I have lost faith in good.
I can tell you what was in my head when I decided to do something bad but I cannot tell you that it will make any sense. It does not make sense to me so why should it make sense to you.
I have felt suicidal too often since moving here and somehow the combination of feeling suicidal and having lost faith in good made me want to know what it felt like to do the wrong thing before I died.
It was then spurred on by someone lying about me and trying to make me out to be a bad person…after I had tried to help them when they were sick!!! Again!!!! another person lied about me. I did the right thing and the wrong thing won…again?!?
Something in me snapped after that. My faith in good seemed to be gone. I don’t know if I will ever get it back. Things keep happening to reconfirm that bad wins. The latest was that the Super who I have treated with kindness and respect since moving here came into my apartment and behaved in a manner that made me physically afraid of him. When he left he looked pleased with himself, like Cheshire cat pleased, like a bully looks like when they have found themselves another victim.
Where have all the good people gone?
I think I am writing this because today on Easter I am feeling guilt about my choice to do bad. It is the first recognizable feeling I have had since choosing to see what doing the wrong thing felt like. I have not felt anything before today since choosing to do the wrong thing. Just numbness, which is very strange coming from someone who has always felt guilty for every single avocado I have wasted by mistiming them before they go off. How can I be someone who historically has always felt guilty for the slightest thing, including every wasted avocado but only have only felt numbness until a moment today at Easter mass from consciously choosing to do the wrong thing???
Elina Grace Edwin
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